One-liners

The doughnut was invented because some guy who hated the middle of things.

That wasn't the best one liner that my mind has pooped out, but guess what, it's mine now.  Anyway, I had this amazing get-rich-eventually scheme that involved myself writing an entire book of one-liners and then selling it for money.  However, I saw at a book store recently that they had New York Times #1 Best Sellers on a table for 95% off, and I don't think a one-liners book has ever been on the NYT Best Sellers list.  Immediately, I thought this plan could end only in catastrophe, but then I watched an infomercial about flavored light switches, and I got an idea.

How do you get somebody to buy something that they find undesirable? Package deals.

Let me skip to a quick anecdote about how I got my wingman to sleep with an unfortunate looking/shaped woman.  I said, "if you can get rid of her, I will give you $50." I'm not sure if he ever actually slept with her, but my friend left that night with a fatty and $50. P-A-C-K-A-G-E D-E-A-L!
      
       
So how can I get people to buy my book, without necessarily wanting to buy my book? Obviously, combine it with high demand, low quantity items.  Here are a few uncommon, but highly effective items to go with the book:

1. Hamsters

Did you know that hamsters no longer survive the wild? That's right.  We're all partially to blame for that, along with global warming, Niagara Falls, and the overreaction of Y2K. Now is your chance to own one (along with a one-liner book) before they go extinct!


A normal hamster being normal on a normal hamster day.

Think of how much your wife will think when she sees this cute little critter crawling around the dinner table or how much of best friends you will be with Richard Gere when you take this to his home?  Better go out and buy that book!

2. Old people phones

Some people are too old to be alive, but in their final days, it's important to give them the opportunity to have the ability to say "goodbye", even though you said goodbye to them at Christmas 3 years ago.  That's why I will target the unnaturally elderly audience with a Jitterbug Cellphone.

It's like Weekend at Bernie's but with modern conveniences.

Do you know that the elderly are also the target audience for reading books? That's right. They never had the opportunity to grow up with the internet, and "fun" back in those days consisted of opening up a book, looking at the funny shapes that letters made, and talking to other people about it, face-to-face.  And everyone wonders why old people are going extinct like the wild hamsters. 

So this Christmas, rediscover your great-grandmother and give her a (hopefully) better than average one-liner book that comes with a (hopefully) living hamster and a cell phone that they she may or may not understand.

3.  Justin Beiber photo

 An 8x5 photograph of Justin Beiber is exactly what somebody that you might know might want. For those who don't know, Justin Beiber is a Disney-sponsored singer, however she brings zero acting abilities to the table, breaking the mold of Disney Channel stars turned terrible singers.  She has also known amongst the public for her transgender haircut and clothing which is beginning to make people wonder if she is actually a boy.



Maybe it's natural. Maybe it's Maybelline.

For the low low price of ($hamster + $old person phone + $printer ink and gloss paper + $publisher's cut + $my cut) you can own a fantastic foursome of fun! This is a book that will bring the family together! Bring over your simple-minded friends and show them your fantastic new and (hopefully) living hamster! Grandpa giving you fuss? Give him a jitterbug phone and tell him it's a grenade from WWI that will explode if he doesn't stop yammering. Give the photo of Justin Beiber to little Suzy and Billy, and turn them bi-curious like the Disney Channel wants you to! And then later, maybe somebody could read the book!

That's some good marketing, am I wrong? I pretty much tackled every demographic in there except for the left-handed extremist community.  But do you think that the advertisement stops there? No. How many books do you see on commercials. Zero. This is going to be available through TV offers. The commercial will just continuously flash pictures of the book, a hamster, an old person phone, and a picture of a young, confusing looking girl. Meanwhile, I'll have this jingle playing:
        
      Look for the box
      The box with the book
      For the whole family
      Don't cover the air-holes

Despite the lack of rhyming, it's still a work in progress. You seriously don't want to cover those air holes, though.



Success in Blogging

Hey, Michael, go Google "Success in Blogging"

If you're not Michael stay right here and I'll tell you all about it:  there is none.

That's all. Fuck Michael as he tries to search for that shit. Blogging is the garage band of the internet. Sure, maybe some talent is there, but the audience sure isn't.  I've been thinking about all this for just over 4 minutes, and I can think of only 3 blogs of the billions on the internet that touch "success", and that is Hyperboleandahalf, Maddox, and 27b/6.  And I can tell you why they have come in the direction of success:  pictures; target audience; ingenuity, respectively. 

Do you know what I have? Old fashioned words. And some of them aren't even that good! Hell, I just deleted my last post because it was that bad!  But I'm going to make all of these words worth your while.

BAM!

There's a picture of Steve McQueen about to beat your ass after his morning coffee! Didn't expect that, did you?

DOUBLE BAM!

Now you got a picture of Surinam! I bet you didn't even know where that was until I showed you. The computer is even telling me that "Surinam" isn't a word. Fuck you computer. Learning time is now!

So put your pants back on grandpa, we're about to get some production value up in this puppy.

BANANA-6, OUT!

Death Match

Have you ever been to a meeting that should have ended 2 hours and 45 minutes earlier than it actually did? If you haven't, congratulations on being unemployed. But in reality, these instances do occur. Fortunately, we have all been blessed with gooey gray matter inside our skulls that allow us divert our attention from the real world into a more important place:  Magicbrainland.

So what goes on in this magical world built out of creativity by midgets and friendly dinosaurs? Death matches.

All those other poor souls in the room, well, those midgets and dinosaurs have a plan for them. Stop drawing pictures of spaceships from Star Wars on your notepad and get your brain back to work.  You are now the event coordinator for what may be the greatest mind game of all time.

The first thing you need to do is kick off your shoes. Do you know why? Because now you're the boss. But if anybody around you questions why your shoes are off, say you have a bunion or something. Just practice good foot hygiene. Smelly feet is a great way to lose friends.

Now rank everybody in the room as to how how good you imagine their death-brawling abilities to be.  Usually the top and bottom quarters are the easiest.  The hard part comes in the middle.  Who is a dark horse? Who keeps a tazer on them at all times? Who isn't afraid to rip off somebodys arm and use it as a weapon.  This is the stuff you need to be thinking about.  Don't make any rash decisions because this is where mistakes are made.

Next, make a bracket like March Madness. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back to your parents basement and watch the Lifetime Channel you smelly-footed bitch. Nobody loves you.

Depending on the size of the meeting, you'll probably want to have divisions/regions/conferences/departments.  Sometimes you can't though. That's just how life is sometimes.

Rank each sector of the bracket (or the whole damn thing) matching up the top and bottom duelists. The next fight will be the next-from-top vs. the next-from bottom, and so on until the middle two fight. If you have an odd number of participants, you'll have to create a bye. Either that or tell Mr. Lifetime Channel that he's not even good enough for your made-up game. I hate that guy.

This is where the fun happens. Think hard about each fight. Do you know why? Because you will have to draw a picture of what your mind is telling you, otherwise you won't think about it. Stick figures are fine at first, but remember how important these matches will get later on. Do you think they kept records of who won and lost in the Thunderdome. You bet your right ass cheek they did.

Once a champion is crowned, build a pirate hat out of a newspaper and frame the picture depicting the battle. Present it to the victor during the next smoke break.

...and that is how you make friends.