One-liners

The doughnut was invented because some guy who hated the middle of things.

That wasn't the best one liner that my mind has pooped out, but guess what, it's mine now.  Anyway, I had this amazing get-rich-eventually scheme that involved myself writing an entire book of one-liners and then selling it for money.  However, I saw at a book store recently that they had New York Times #1 Best Sellers on a table for 95% off, and I don't think a one-liners book has ever been on the NYT Best Sellers list.  Immediately, I thought this plan could end only in catastrophe, but then I watched an infomercial about flavored light switches, and I got an idea.

How do you get somebody to buy something that they find undesirable? Package deals.

Let me skip to a quick anecdote about how I got my wingman to sleep with an unfortunate looking/shaped woman.  I said, "if you can get rid of her, I will give you $50." I'm not sure if he ever actually slept with her, but my friend left that night with a fatty and $50. P-A-C-K-A-G-E D-E-A-L!
      
       
So how can I get people to buy my book, without necessarily wanting to buy my book? Obviously, combine it with high demand, low quantity items.  Here are a few uncommon, but highly effective items to go with the book:

1. Hamsters

Did you know that hamsters no longer survive the wild? That's right.  We're all partially to blame for that, along with global warming, Niagara Falls, and the overreaction of Y2K. Now is your chance to own one (along with a one-liner book) before they go extinct!


A normal hamster being normal on a normal hamster day.

Think of how much your wife will think when she sees this cute little critter crawling around the dinner table or how much of best friends you will be with Richard Gere when you take this to his home?  Better go out and buy that book!

2. Old people phones

Some people are too old to be alive, but in their final days, it's important to give them the opportunity to have the ability to say "goodbye", even though you said goodbye to them at Christmas 3 years ago.  That's why I will target the unnaturally elderly audience with a Jitterbug Cellphone.

It's like Weekend at Bernie's but with modern conveniences.

Do you know that the elderly are also the target audience for reading books? That's right. They never had the opportunity to grow up with the internet, and "fun" back in those days consisted of opening up a book, looking at the funny shapes that letters made, and talking to other people about it, face-to-face.  And everyone wonders why old people are going extinct like the wild hamsters. 

So this Christmas, rediscover your great-grandmother and give her a (hopefully) better than average one-liner book that comes with a (hopefully) living hamster and a cell phone that they she may or may not understand.

3.  Justin Beiber photo

 An 8x5 photograph of Justin Beiber is exactly what somebody that you might know might want. For those who don't know, Justin Beiber is a Disney-sponsored singer, however she brings zero acting abilities to the table, breaking the mold of Disney Channel stars turned terrible singers.  She has also known amongst the public for her transgender haircut and clothing which is beginning to make people wonder if she is actually a boy.



Maybe it's natural. Maybe it's Maybelline.

For the low low price of ($hamster + $old person phone + $printer ink and gloss paper + $publisher's cut + $my cut) you can own a fantastic foursome of fun! This is a book that will bring the family together! Bring over your simple-minded friends and show them your fantastic new and (hopefully) living hamster! Grandpa giving you fuss? Give him a jitterbug phone and tell him it's a grenade from WWI that will explode if he doesn't stop yammering. Give the photo of Justin Beiber to little Suzy and Billy, and turn them bi-curious like the Disney Channel wants you to! And then later, maybe somebody could read the book!

That's some good marketing, am I wrong? I pretty much tackled every demographic in there except for the left-handed extremist community.  But do you think that the advertisement stops there? No. How many books do you see on commercials. Zero. This is going to be available through TV offers. The commercial will just continuously flash pictures of the book, a hamster, an old person phone, and a picture of a young, confusing looking girl. Meanwhile, I'll have this jingle playing:
        
      Look for the box
      The box with the book
      For the whole family
      Don't cover the air-holes

Despite the lack of rhyming, it's still a work in progress. You seriously don't want to cover those air holes, though.