Death Match

Have you ever been to a meeting that should have ended 2 hours and 45 minutes earlier than it actually did? If you haven't, congratulations on being unemployed. But in reality, these instances do occur. Fortunately, we have all been blessed with gooey gray matter inside our skulls that allow us divert our attention from the real world into a more important place:  Magicbrainland.

So what goes on in this magical world built out of creativity by midgets and friendly dinosaurs? Death matches.

All those other poor souls in the room, well, those midgets and dinosaurs have a plan for them. Stop drawing pictures of spaceships from Star Wars on your notepad and get your brain back to work.  You are now the event coordinator for what may be the greatest mind game of all time.

The first thing you need to do is kick off your shoes. Do you know why? Because now you're the boss. But if anybody around you questions why your shoes are off, say you have a bunion or something. Just practice good foot hygiene. Smelly feet is a great way to lose friends.

Now rank everybody in the room as to how how good you imagine their death-brawling abilities to be.  Usually the top and bottom quarters are the easiest.  The hard part comes in the middle.  Who is a dark horse? Who keeps a tazer on them at all times? Who isn't afraid to rip off somebodys arm and use it as a weapon.  This is the stuff you need to be thinking about.  Don't make any rash decisions because this is where mistakes are made.

Next, make a bracket like March Madness. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back to your parents basement and watch the Lifetime Channel you smelly-footed bitch. Nobody loves you.

Depending on the size of the meeting, you'll probably want to have divisions/regions/conferences/departments.  Sometimes you can't though. That's just how life is sometimes.

Rank each sector of the bracket (or the whole damn thing) matching up the top and bottom duelists. The next fight will be the next-from-top vs. the next-from bottom, and so on until the middle two fight. If you have an odd number of participants, you'll have to create a bye. Either that or tell Mr. Lifetime Channel that he's not even good enough for your made-up game. I hate that guy.

This is where the fun happens. Think hard about each fight. Do you know why? Because you will have to draw a picture of what your mind is telling you, otherwise you won't think about it. Stick figures are fine at first, but remember how important these matches will get later on. Do you think they kept records of who won and lost in the Thunderdome. You bet your right ass cheek they did.

Once a champion is crowned, build a pirate hat out of a newspaper and frame the picture depicting the battle. Present it to the victor during the next smoke break.

...and that is how you make friends.